By David Everett Fisher
This is the screenplay for consideration. This is the fictional account of David Everett Fisher, Sean Power no S, and Chef Andrew H. Garrett taking over the Seattle Mariners front office. Sean becomes the GM, Dave becomes the head scout, and Andrew becomes the new manager. What could possible go wrong.
Int. Safeco Field office
Sean is sitting in front of a row of phones and is typing on one of his many cel phones when one of the phones ring.
Sean: Hello, Scott! How are you?
Sean: Yes, I am interested in Matt. Does he seem interested in Seattle?
Sean: Yes, Seattle doesn’t quite have the New York or Los Angeles press, but I assure you, there are clubs and high end restaurants here.
Sean: I’d love to bring hime in to show him the city. I can have Buhner and Edger take him on some nights out.
Sean: Buhner still parties, yes.
Sean: Yes, I have a great offer for him, Scott.
Sean: We would love to offer Matt Harvey a 10 year deal for $320 Million.
Cut to Andrew and Dave sitting on buckets in Safeco watching Robinson Cano not try very hard practicing at second.
Dave: Before I got back from the D.R., I stopped off in Barbados to check out this pitcher.
Andrew: (spits) Yeah? What did you think…C’mon Robbie! Fucking try!
Dave: Yeah, he throws hard, and I mean haaaaaaaaarrrrrrddd.
Andrew: (spits) Did you get clock any pitches? Jesus fucking Christ Robinson, we need a second base player, not a foul pole! Get your fucking ass down!
Dave: Well, I can see how fast a ball goes. I don’t really use a radar gun, I just can tell when someone throws hard and fast.
Andrew: (spits) Well, can he pitch, or is he just a thrower? Oh, for fuck sake, Cano, I got pitching machines that can field better than you!
Dave: Oh, he can pitch! He’s got stuff, great mechanics, good command on the mound, and he is only 16! He’s 6’6” even!
Andrew: (spits) He sounds like a dream. What’s his name? C’mon, Robbie, You are a fucking joke! I wish you stayed in New York!
Dave: Uh…shit, I forget.
Andrew: (spits on Robinson Cano) So, he’s a thrower then.
Dave: Damn it.
Dave and Sean are watching tape.
Sean: We need a lefty hitter, maybe a first baseman?
Sean: Because we have a bunch of righties.
Sean: I should go after Mark Reynolds.
Dave: He’s a righty.
Sean: Damn. Who do you propose?
Dave: You always want an ex-Oriole to fuck up your team. Here is a great idea though, LoMo!
Sean: Logan Morrison?
Dave: Yeah, he’s already disappointed Seattle fans once, why not get him again?
Sean: I’ll call his agent. I think I can get him for a good price. 7 years for 180 million!
Dave: That sounds perfect!
Sean and Andrew are sitting in an office in the locker room.
Andrew: (spits) Sean, I now have five hard throwing starters. They are all right handed and they throw 95% fast balls. I told you, I need some guys with some stuff.
Sean: I know, I know, I am trying to get you some guys, but I”m having a hard time reaching the agents.
Andrew: (spits) I can’t just keep putting righties who can throw 100mph on the mound night after night. Goddamnit, Robinson, every drop of piss missed the urinal!
Sean: I know, wait, here is Bartolo Colon’s agent…Hello? Yes…Robinson is still here…He will? That’s great news! (hangs up and turns to Andrew) I just got you Bartolo Colon for a five year $115 million contract!
Andrew: (spits on Sean) He is 45.
Sean: Bartolo isn’t effected by age, man.
Dave runs into Sean’s office
Dave: What the fuck did you just do?
Sean: What do you mean?
Dave: Listen, you traded a lot of our farm system and draft picks for Chris Davis, and I decided to have some faith in you, but this is ridiculous!
Sean: I’m not sure what you are talking about?
Dave: You traded five prospects, four draft picks, and cash for Yasmani Grandal?!? For fucks sake!
Sean: I tried signing him, but he made a deal, and I gave them an offer they couldn’t refuse!
Sean: Anyway, I also signed Wilson Ramos for a six year $140 million. What a steal.
Dave: (spits on Sean)
It is the bottom of the ninth. It is game 163 of the 2019 Major League Baseball season and the Los Angeles Angels are hosting the Seattle Mariners. Winner goes on to play the Oakland Athletics in the American League Wild Card game, but the loser goes home. Seattle is up 2-1. There are two outs and Edwin Diaz is pitching against Justin Upton. Justin Upton for the season is .182. First two pitches are strikes looking. Diaz throws three balls. The third ball was actually a strike, but the ump called it a ball. On the third ball, Martin Maldonado steals second. Sixth pitch Upton hits in right up the middle into Robinson Cano, who is playing behind second on the shift, and it goes right between Canos legs. Madonado scores tying the game. Ben Gamel chases the ball to the wall and throws it to Cano to try and get Upton out, but Cano doesn’t even try to cover the base and the ball goes past him, Upton takes third, but Cano who gets to the ball underhands it to Kyle Seager, but over throws it and Upton steals home winning the game and Seattle Mariners MISSES THE POST SEASON AGAIN!